Archive for April, 2018

excerpt from my journal:

“Long, traumatic story short, Dad spent about 20 hours in the Cardiac ICU, having oxygen pumped into his brain-dead body, forcing blood through his dead heart. There was much discussion, and we finally came to the agreement that, once certain people had arrived to say goodbye, we would turn off the life support and let him be at rest. However, Dad’s body started shutting down before that moment could be reached, and just as everyone came flooding into his room for the final moments, he began to flat line. His blood pressure dropped, his heart would no longer tolerate the assistance of the machines, and they mercifully turned off the oxygen and extubated him. He immediately stopped breathing and went still. I stared at him for the longest time, trying to recognize what was happening; what had just happened. My dad had died. I quietly broke away from the group and sat by myself in the back of the room by the window, sobbing for at least 10-20 minutes. Thankfully, no one came over to me to try to comfort me. I felt so sad for a life lived in suffering. I felt relieved that the decisions were over and that his body could rest finally. I felt thankful that I had called him back just the Monday before, and had been selfless enough to meet up with him that day for lunch, even though it was always something that I half dreaded. I thought back through that lunch with him, thankful that I had made an effort, as usual, to be attentive and respectful, and never to make him feel as though I disagreed with him. I will never regret treating my dad as though I didn’t hate most of the words that came out of his mouth. I never let on, and I am glad for that. I spent so many years biting my tongue and waiting for the barrage of harsh words and strange ideas to cease. Now, finally, they have ceased forever. We are torn apart with grief of the circumstances, but we can all breathe a little more easily for the fact that he has finally passed on, peacefully, from this world that he hated so much. I hope that he spent at least some time appreciating what he had in his children, because we are all that is left of him. I wish he had had the courage to be better for us, but I know that he loved us, fiercely, in his own unconventional ways.”

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